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from Books & Reviews
WOMEN:
The Next Frontier (for the Ex-Gay Man)
Book Review: Changing Homosexuality in the Male, by Lawrence J. Hatterer, M.D.
(McGraw-Hill., 1970)
Reviewed by Thomas Phillips, MBA
Reviewer Thomas Phillips is a reparative-therapy graduate
who was employed for many years in marketing and finance,
and is now a real estate investor in Sonoma County,
California.
Editor's Note: Dr. Hatterer's advice to men in recovery
will not be relevant to those men whose faith traditions
uphold the ideal of premarital celibacy.
Changing Homosexuality in the Male is a classic text that
was published over thirty years ago. The author, Lawrence J.
Hatterer, M.D., is a psychiatrist who concentrated on
treatment of homosexuality.
During the 1950's and 1960's at the Payne Whitney
Psychiatric Institute and the Cornell University Medical
Center, both in New York, Dr. Hatterer worked with over 625
homosexual males. This review focuses on his clinical
experience and his suggestions for the man who wants to
transition to heterosexuality and develop close
relationships with women. The book explains three phases in
the transition from homosexuality to heterosexuality.
Phase 1 - Beginning of transition: In order for a man to
change, he must identify the triggers that stimulate and
perpetuate his homosexuality. Triggers include homosexual
imagery, personal associations, behaviors (including bars
and cruising places), and use of drugs and alcohol. Since
his natural inclination is to "go with" these triggers, he
must go the opposite way for recovery.
The man in transition begins removing himself from
homosexual stimuli. He is no longer swept up in the gay
scene, and his gay fantasies begin to subside. He becomes
aware of how distortions in his interpersonal relationships
(preoccupation with sex, often leading to emotional
detachment to mask anxiety, depression, or guilt) have
contributed to his homosexuality.
Phase 2 - Middle of transition: The man in recovery must
fill the void created by ending his gay life with new
contacts, this time with straight men and women. In place of
the tenuousness and superficiality of gay relationships, he
will now need to develop a close relationship with a woman.
Usually, he has a series of relationships with women in
order to gain perspective and experience. Often his initial
tendency in these relationships is to focus on sex
(replaying his gay pattern). Ensuing difficulties with women
will include being overly sensitive to rejection, waiting
too long to make contact, and insecurity in planning a date.
Dr. Hatterer identifies some women as undesirable because
they can thwart the client's recovery. A dominant woman who
asks him out, tells him where she wants to go, calls him,
and initiates sex should be avoided. He warns against women
who are competitive, aggressive, dominant, possessive,
moody, masculine, manipulative, emasculating, sexually
obsessed, bisexuals, lesbians, career- and income-oriented
women, and those with greater wealth and power than he. Some
men compensate for their insecurity in their transition by
dating less desirable women (older, motherly, physically
challenged, lower socioeconomic and intellectual levels).
According to Dr. Hatterer, "The more religious the man is,
the greater likelihood of denial and guilt complicating his
behavior. With a loss of guilt, the easier it is for the man
to be assertive, aggressive, hostile, and emotionally free."
On the other hand, in this reviewer's experience, it is
clear that religion and spiritual beliefs can be a valuable
motivator for a man in recovery.
Our man in transition is beginning to feel less isolated. He
learns to express a wider range of emotions, including
affection, assertion, aggression, hostility, and anger. For
a successful transition, he's got to reclaim his
"testosterone," because that's what women want, and that
will lead him to the relationship he wants. His masculine
juices begin to naturally lead him to the life and the woman
he wants.
The man learns that he must take the initiative with
appropriate women. He must not place sex before
communication, getting to know a woman, and the social
aspects of dating (meeting new people and going to fun
places). He must permit both the woman and himself to reject
each other, and also permit independent activities. He does
not have to declare his past to his present partner; this
can sabotage the relationship, especially in the beginning.
The man is becoming more and more interested in women,
physically and emotionally, and looking less and less at
men. He wants to see and be seen with attractive women. It
becomes easier to relate to women emotionally, sexually, and
intellectually. He is stimulated by a warm and responsive
woman. As he gets more experience, he can choose women who
are good for him and who relax him. Success breeds success.
Phase 3: Transition complete: He's ready for a sustained
heterosexual relationship. He has few thoughts, feelings,
and associations with homosexuality. He masturbates little
or not at all. He's very interested in adapting
heterosexually, and is spending more and more time with
women. He is beginning to see his blind spots and
inappropriate perceptions, reactions, and interactions with
women, which occur because of memories and associations from
prior, unhealthy relationships with the women in his life.
The quantity and quality of his heterosexual contacts
increase. He'll probably go through a number of
relationships before he feels sexually gratified and
adequate. He becomes more and more aware of a women's
nature. He picks up clues about a women's nature by noticing
how she relates to himself and others. More and more women
are available to him.
His relationships with women move beyond sex; his
consciousness is less focused on sex, as he displays a
growing awareness of a woman's many facets. He can give of
himself to her, and make her feel valued, rather than being
concerned solely with himself. He'll like certain aspects of
the relationship more than others, as is true with all
relationships.
Occasional, brief and limited dates give way to spending
more and more time with a woman he likes. He is beginning to
sense what kind of woman he wants. He begins to accommodate
and deepen the relationship through her moods and the ups
and downs of the relationship. He becomes more flexible as
he "dances" with her. He now has developed the skills to
attract the woman he wants, and to create a deeply loving
attachment.
Dr. Hatterer recommends that the client pursue the woman the
man is most attracted to (physically and emotionally). His
desire to be seen with and possess a beautiful woman is not
always narcissistic and superficial, because the selection
of a particular woman by her appearance is valuable, in that
the man gains a stronger sense of his maleness in attracting
and holding a desirable woman. Skills can be developed to
attract the women he desires more, because with confidence
and a sense of well-being, and the financial success that
such confidence may bring as well, he'll be rewarded with
more desirable women. This can boost his confidence in his
erotic attractiveness and effectiveness.
The woman who makes a man feel comfortable and is warm,
accepting, and responsive is the most desirable for him. She
can articulate her own needs in a loving manner. The woman
who is warm, sensitive, and giving, rather than dominant,
binding, possessive, and over expectant, will love him and
treat him as a real man.
A significant change has taken place when erotic contact
with a woman and heteroerotic fantasy are part of the man's
life. With a good relationship with a woman he likes, he
completes his transition.
Ultimately, his former homosexual side will seem alien,
inappropriate, and unreal.
Addendum: When I spoke to Dr. Hatterer on the phone
recently, his suggestions to men in recovery were: Stay away
from emasculating (castrating, depriving of masculine
spirit) women. The U.S. is a hyper-sex-oriented culture
which puts pressure on gender identity. Asian and European
women may be more compatible, less hostile to men, and more
likely to accommodate to men's needs. In addition, Dr.
Hatterer said, there is no scientific evidence for a "gay
gene." And speeches to high school students by Gay/Straight
Clubs are dangerous, he says, because the speakers don't
make clear the consequences of claiming a gay identity.
Readers are invited to email the reviewer at tommy@sonic.net
with comments.
Updated: 3 September 2008
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