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from Books & Reviews
Book Review
When Gender and Generational
Boundaries Are Betrayed
Free Indeed, by Barbara Swallow
as told to Terry Murphy
(2000, Seattle, WA: Exodus Publishing, $11.95 paperback)
This gripping paperback book tells the story of a married woman who was
caught in a seemingly unresolvable conflict. Barbara Swallow truly
loved her husband and children. Yet in spite of that bond of loyalty to
her husband, she still found herself irresistably drawn into intense and
codependent relationships with women.
"On the one hand," she said, "I was a wife who openly loved her husband
and family, but who kept a dark secret from them. On the other hand, I
was a lesbian lover who cared deeply for another woman."
She felt panic-stricken: What if her double life was discovered? Would
she lose her marriage and three children? Free Indeed vividly
chronicles the childhood traumas, marital deceptions, and intense need
for nurturance and same-sex intimacy which motivated the author's double
life.
Barbara's distorted feelings began early in childhood. "No one loved me
as a girl," she said. Her father treated her like a son, and she was
grossly neglected by her mother, who spent much of the time in bed in a
crippling state of depression.
When Barbara experienced night terrors in her attic room and went down
to her mother's bed for comfort, her mother's love was offered in the
form of sexual attention.
Each night, the little girl would see terrifying faces appear in her
dreams. "If I couldn't stand the faces, I would call for my mother
again and go down to her. But I hated what happened when I went down to
her; so most nights I just pushed that scream down deeper and deeper,
and waited for the dawn to chase the faces away."
"As a child, the only times I remember being given individual attention
from my mother were when I played the male role in bed. Unconsciously,
I began to accept the idea that my value rested in my sexual
capabilities. Perhaps, if I could function as a boy, I would be loved,
and I would prove myself to be of some merit."
Barbara later married and had children, but she eventually developed an
intense relationship with another woman, Marla--who moved in with the
couple as "Aunt Marla" and ultimately began to treat Barbara abusively
and possessively.
A common theme recurrent throughout this short novel is that of blurred
relational boundaries. As a small child, Barbara did not experience a
normal mother-daughter relationship because her mother was a needy woman
who violated the maternal trust to use her small daughter for emotional
reassurance and sexual satisfaction. At about the same time, Barbara's
uncle likewise violated his own role as an adult mentor to his niece,
and he sexually molested her.
Thus it is not surprising that in adulthood, Barbara herself had great
difficulty in respecting and maintaining boundaries. Not only did she
dress in butch clothes in a rejection of her feminine nature, but--in
spite of her absolute determination not to do so--she became sexually
involved with an emotionally needy younger woman whom she had been
mentoring spiritually. And in her relationship with the bullying and
abusive "Aunt Marla," Barbara allowed Marla to usurp the maternal role,
pushing her aside to transform Barbara into just one more sibling in the
family.
Throughout Barbara's life, we see a pattern of crossed boundaries,
betrayal of the trust inherent in a role of authority, and gender
disorientation.
Psychoanalyst Jeannine Chasseguet-Smirgel once observed that the
"pervert" (in the classical, psychoanalytic sense of the term, not the
colloquial sense) violates two absolutely essential boundaries: that
between the genders, and between the generations.
This autobiography, which is told from a Christian perspective, relates
Barbara's faith-based determination to free herself from that
destructive pattern. Eventually she learned how to move beyond the
intense attractions which had caused her to betray her marriage and to
compromise her same-sex mentoring relationships. Today, Barbara and her
husband Ron are co-directors of Free Indeed Ministries in Albuquerque,
New Mexico.
This book can be obtained from Exodus Ministries by calling (206)
784-7799.
Updated: 3 September 2008
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